Who am I?

I cried as I wrote this…

I am tired, yet wide awake.
I am a child of the night, yet I live day by day. 

I am both… and I am neither.

I am kindness and love, I am fury and hate.
Nothing is dearer to me than those close to my heart,
but even they beware when my anger rules my thoughs.

Who am I?

They say I can write, and so I like to believe,
yet I do not speak unless spoken to

I am courage and bravery,
overcoming my bounds when I feel I must.
I am  cowardice, frightenedness and uncertainty.
I fear tomorrow, for it may be another today.

Who am I?

I am he who is she, I am she who is he.
Locked up deep inside of that which I loathe.
The world does not accept that which rages within,
but if it is not real, why does it burn so  much?
Why
does  it hurt so much?

Why can I not be who I am?
How is who I am so hard to accept?
But who am I to change the worlds of others?
yes…
Who AM I?

I am loneliness, facing my problems alone… 
She who understands does not want me
-cannot want me-
however hard she tries.
And I do not blame her
-cannot blame her-
for I love her with all my raging heart.

And who would love one that does not know who they are? 

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Back at square one

First and foremost, I’d like to apologize for my long absence from these pages. Should anyone have been checking back here to see if there are updates, well, I’m back.

My exams are done, but enough about that.

During our schooltrip to Paris, a few months back I got to know a girl from another class and things seemed to be going well between us. Back then however she coupled up with one of my friends, before I had the change to very well try something. She didn’t know I was looking for more than friendship, and neither was he, but I still had to try my utmost best not to cry during the busride home (when they were sitting behind me).
Granted, their relationship lasted maybe a full week, but even so, it hurt.

Regardless, now that school is over, I decided to try again. We made plans to meet yesterday, however, a few days ago she said she couldn’t come. We then moved the date to today. This afternoon, 2 o’clock at the Panos stand in the railway station in Bruges.

Last night I dreamt of her not coming. Of something getting in her way, holding her up and she not being able to contact me. When I woke up I dismissed these thoughts  as fear and that slight hint of paranoia that is part of what makes me me.

I went to the railway station. I arrived at the Panos stand at 14.05. Granted, 5 minutes late, but 5 minutes isn’t the end of the world, right? However, she wasn’t there, so I waited. And waited.

And waited.

Exactly one hour later, at 15.05 I went back to the bicycle racks. Alone. She didn’t show up. I waited a whole hour and she didn’t show up. I don’t know what to think of it? Did she forget? Did she not bother? Or did something really hold her up and she wasn’t able to contact me, like my dream told me? I don’t know. Small note, I don’t have her mobile number (and she doesn’t have mine) and I haven’t been around the internet since two days, although I did check my e-mails this morning.

Other small note, it’s not the first time dreams, idle thoughts or figments of my imagination aligned with what had happened/happened or will have happened without me possibly be able to know at the moment of dream, thought or imagining but that did turn out to be true. I don’t know if it’s just dumb luck, or intuition bordering on the psychic. Frankly I don’t know what to think anymore. All I know is that I’m long past sick of being single, and that once more I’m back at square one. *sighs*

Thank you.