Ok, so let me paint the situation for you. I’m living alone now, in a flat that’s a few square metres in surface, with a small kitchen and bathroom. I’m hungry (it’s midnight, so it’s about lunch time) and there’s nothing to eat bar a few oven lasagna’s that ‘went bad’ a few days ago (you know. Are going to go bad in a few weeks). However, the oven is bust (when I turn it on the room fills with gas and the thing DOES NOT WARM UP) and I am currently not in possession of a microwave. What do I do? Quite simple.
How does an oven work? It prepares food by heating it up. That’s about it. So I decide to try and emulate this effect by putting some of the (near frozen – even on the warmest setting, my fridge is bloody cold) lasagna in a pot and putting it on a fire. However, the difference between an oven and a pot on a fire is that in an oven the heat comes from everywhere, while on a fire, it is concentrated on a certain point: namely below. So I decide to babysit my cooking and turn it over every few minutes -and since I’m paranoid and afraid I’ll burn it a minute lasts about five seconds. Result: the lasagna starts to get all messed up with tears in the pasta, the whole ordeal becoming a pile of cheese and tomato, etc. Eventually I say to myself ‘fuck it’ and cut the whole thing up in tiny bits and constantly stir the pot. This works, but has several drawbacks: Firstly, it doesn’t look very apetizing. Instead of the red-white-red-white-red-white layered thing it is supposed to look like, my entire meal now looks like a pot of muck in a uniform bleak-orange colour because the tomato sauce and the cheese mixed together as a result of the stirring. Another drawback is that the tomato sauce and the cheese mixed together as a result of the stirring, and thus no longer tastes like tomato sauce or cheese respectively. I called this creation cheesato sauce and after sampling it I deemed it ‘edible’. It’s not the most fantastic thing I have ever eaten, but it certainly is the most warming thing around here (like the oven, the heating is bust. This place needs work) and, well, my stomach was abhorrently empty.
So, now you know what to do if you ever find yourself with oven lasagna, but no oven, and I know what to eat in the coming days.
P.S. What do you mean, it’s not five-hundred million words long?